Smear Tests: My Experience

Hello everyone! There has been a lot of focus on smear tests this week with Cervical Cancer Prevention Week, because cervical screening is a fantastic way to prevent cancer (keeping an eye on the cells of your cervix to check they are not getting up to anything irregular), but loads of us never go/put it off/are terrified.

A pic of my good friend Tessa Maye, taken by photographer Simon Powell, who takes photos of women smearing their lipstick as part of the #Smear4Smear campaign.

I’m gonna be very honest with you. I have a shy fanny. It is not keen on waxing, and it’s definitely not keen on medical probing. Which is a shame, because over the years, I’ve had a lot of health problems ‘down there’. This means that I’m faaaaaaaairly familiar with a speculum.

So I thought that, first, I’d address ‘the fear’, which is often the result of simply not knowing what a smear test consists of. OK, so:

1) You pop up on the bed and take the clothes on your bottom half off.

Ever had a bikini wax? Exactly the same! But so many women are nervous/embarrassed: of the knickers they’re wearing, of the way their vulva looks and smells, whether they’re normal (whatever a normal vagina actually is).

DON’T WORRY! These are medical professionals. They have seen THOUSANDS of vaginas. Hairy fannies, and Hollywood waxed, vajazzled ones. The vaginas of women who have given birth to many children, and virginal vaginas. Old ones, new ones, some as big as your head. There is simply no judgement, just a desire to make sure that there are no irregular cells there.

2) Speculum time

I had heard that the speculum part wasn’t very nice. So when I had my first experience…I was pleasantly surprised! Firstly they lube it up (a tad cold) and your nurse will be experienced with wielding one, so they will gently ease it in. Then they turn a sort of screw, which widens it a bit and opens you up so your cervix can be seen.

I always request a smaller speculum, just to put my own mind at ease, but the bigger ones are OK, too. You just need to do gentle yoga breaths, through your nose going all the way into your tummy and then out through your mouth if you’re nervous, which relaxes you mind, body and vagina.

If you tell your nurse that you’re a bit nervous (if you are), then they will be extra gentle. Something I really appreciate is that they narrate when they’re doing the WHOLE time. “I’m just inserting the speculum,” “OK I’m going to take a look at your cervix now,” and my favourite, “All done.”

3) Long cotton bud time

Then they sweep your cervix with a cotton bud with a long wand so it can reach, a couple of times. Is this painful? No. Is it a moment of joy? No. It’s sort of like….Very, very mild period pain. It’s over in a second. The whole process takes moments.

4) Wipe n go

Then you are left to wipe off the excess lube, put on your clothes and walk out of there.

5) Results

You soon get your results. Mine have mainly been fine. Once I had ‘borderline irregular cells’. This meant that I had to go back three times over a course of a few months. They had gone back to ‘normal’. That’s my experience – others have gone on to have irregular cells detected adn removed, preventing cancer. All for 5 minutes of what? Mild discomfort? It’s far shorter, and far less painful than a bikini wax, that’s for sure!

My most embarrassing story.

My good friend Tessa Maye shared her most embarrassing smear test story on Insta the other day, and I thought I’d share mine, just so anyone reading this who’s still nervous of their smear might think ‘Oh well, at least I’m not Rebecca’.

OK so it wasn’t a smear, it was that I wasn’t sure if I was suffering from thrush or BV. This was a longstanding problem and one I wanted a solution for. I had booked an appointment at the Mortimer Market Centre (a GUM clinic in a handy w1 location) and to make sure there was candida present, I decided not to wash down there that day. I also hadn’t waxed in bladdy ages.

I walked into the room and…Dear Lord. There was A Handsome Man. With a less handsome man beside him. I sat down, thinking of my ‘5 weeks since the last wax’ vjay and wondering if I smelled, seeing as I hadn’t washed that morning. “You’re too goodlooking for this job,” I opined, and he looked ashamed and said, “Yes, I do get that a lot, I just have to do a term here for my qualification.”

So then he examined me, with the other chap peering closely, rootling around down there as I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

But ya know what? It’s not like I was going to ask him on a date. He’s a professional. There was no judgement, I was just a woman with a health complaint that needed looking at. It was only awkward because I made it awkward in my head, and in the end he suggested a diagnosis that turned out to be right.

Our bodies aren’t shameful, and if anyone is used to bodies, it’s doctors and nurses. They’ve seen it ALL. And going and getting your smear – well – you’re going on a 5 minute appointment that could potentially save you (and them) a lot of time and heartache.

A smear test isn’t the most fun thing in the world. But it’s vitally important for your health. Go book yours.

Rebecca x